Weltschmerz: sorrow that one feels and accepts as one's necessary portion in life; sentimental pessimism.

It’s been a long time since I’ve written something down. Actually that's not completely true, I did attempt to keep a journal on my iPad during the past year. For someone who is constantly speaking to herself, surprisingly; I have always found it hard to express myself in written form. It’s not that I don’t know what I want to say, I just can never seem to articulate it. But, having just read Fadiosis's post on the fourth week in family medicine, I was inspired to vent for my own.

First, thank you Fadia-with-an-H for bringing to my attention that final exams are next week. I've been living in haze since the start of the new school year. I got through my midterm by pure chance, but I don’t think I’ll be so lucky when finals come. Here's something I noticed I do EXCPETIONALLY well, I tend to worry and obsess over things but NEVER do something about whatever it is I’m worrying/obsessing about. I mean, come on! I just found out finals are in the next week or so. A normal person would pick up a book, take some notes, freak-out WHILE trying to prepare. Instead, I sit here thinking over and over again 'Oh my god, finals, finals, finals' and worse than that 'Oh my god, real life is approaching at an insane speed, how am I going to help people if I’m still this stupid and useless?!' and still I do nothing to CHANGE the possible outcome of these events.

So, how has family medicine been going? Well, never has a subject made me feel so inadequate as a future health care provider. It's not the clinical aspect that’s bothering me (although I can’t pretend that’s all strawberries and peaches), but the stress placed on the relationship between doctor and patient. This has made me realize my shortcomings as a human being (again). It’s always been hard for me to connect with others, and now I’m expected to be able empathize with everyone?! Sorry to say that's next to impossible for me. I don’t consider myself a psychopath (should I undergo a DT-MRI I’m am semi-sure my uncinate fasciculus will be perfectly composed) it's just that I can barely sympathize with anyone let alone feel their pain as my own (in fact I’m rolling my eyes as I type these words out LAME). Whatever, I’ll just have to learn to fake compassion. That should be easy enough as my lying skills are up to par.

In my mind how I should be and how the world should be are two vastly different things when compared with reality. To change it up from the norm I’ve decided I’m not just suffering from an acute case of boring ol’medical student depression. Instead, I’ve found a much more romantic autonym for my condition; Weltschmerz: a mental depression or apathy caused by comparison of an actual state of the world with an ideal state.