birth of a catastrophe: ME

i deleted my nov 8 blog....
mainly because my friends know my blog site....
its easier to write things and talk to complete strangers than it is to express yourself to the people you love.
i dont want people to know how fucked up i really am
i think it would scare them
plus...what do i have thats so bad in my life? i dont know...but it still feels bad
midterms are about to start.
this is my last year of highschool. this should be a great year. so far all i feel like doing is killing myself. i hate this year, i dont know what i m gonna do with the rest of mylife i feel so lost.
what do i want to do with the rest of mylife? even if i decide...does anyone actually want me? im so scared of not being good enough. i think its part of the reason why im so obsessed with my weight. i need to have control of atleast one aspect of my life.
one of the things i had written about and deleted was my fear of being alone. but the thing is...when im with people im terrified of letting them down. i dont know what im supposed to feel. i need others but im also scared of them.
when ever i hear the phone ring and its for me, my heart starts pounding like crazy and i dread talking to whoever it is. as soon as i do though....i guess...i feel better? but as soon as i hang up that feeling of dread comes back again. i wish i wasnt all talk. that i didnt have morals...i want to make this feeling go away, even if its with drugs...but...i know that im the type of person who refuses to do something because i think its wrong, howver if i do it once, the dam is broken and ill do it over and over again.
does that even make sense?
whatever
i was reading about all these diseases like anorexia and bulimia and there was one for body image, and i had a lot of the indications that were listed. but, in my head (even though i know that what i do is wrong) i keep makeing up excuses to myself about how im not "like that" and....well never mind i dont know what else
thats it for now