ramblings from a self-deprecator

god....
i cant believe i'm about to admit this....but, i miss school....i know it's sad. seriously, though, a week has passed since school was over and i am bored out of my friggin mind. and it's not like i dont go out, cause i do. but theres this nagging feeling....kinda like when you have to hand in a project, and you cant help but feel suffocated. the thing is, with that scenario you know why you feel this way, but i dont know why i feel like this now...not knowing why you feel bad is worse than feeling bad. cause then you keep thinking, that maybe theres something wrong with you, and it just nags you. the only time it goes away is when iam talking to someone...and not just pure jargon, but actual conversation...the other day i called my favorite uncle and cousin and after i got off the phone, i felt...not necessarily better....but more like normal. i dont know if anyone actually gets what iam saying. anyway five minutes afterwards the euphoria i was experiencing wore off and i was sucked back into that dark abyss of depression. its not like i havent felt this way before. one time it happened at school, the teacher asked me to read and halfway through the text, i started crying, not bawling, just tears and my voice cracked. everyone thought it was because one of my friends had left to go to another school the day before. but it wasnt. if theres one thing i hate, its letting people see me cry, it takes away from my "i dont give a rats ass" image. so afterwards i got home, and i was still feeling shitty, so i sat down next to my dad on the couch, and he put his arm on my shoulders....i started crying again just because he was being so nice to me, he didnt even ask me whats wrong, just let me cry....the thing is i think my mom thinks im losing my mind. she keeps asking me all these questions and i dont know how to answer her. she doesnt believe in the whole "depression" thing, so she got mad at me when i asked her why my cousin got vicoden....it was really tempting, not to steal one....but im not like that...thats another thing i hate about my self...i am all talk...god iam such a freakin loser, just the other day i was telling my friend how i cant do anything right, including having an eating disorder. ive tried the whole anorexic thing, and it works, but as soon as someone convinces me to "take a bite" of something, all my control is gone, and i end up eating the whole damn thing. then i tried the whole bulemic thing, well that was a disaster, i must have a throat of steel, cause no matter how far i stick my finger, or toothbrush, down my throat all, i do i dry heave..............god im a loser. i really dont get why i have friends, i am not funny, iam not pretty, i dont have a great, or even okay personality, i am not very nice, i am sarcastic about everything, i have nothing t0 offer....i am not even super smart so its not like i can do their math homework for them.....whatever.
god...please help me
thank god im too scared to go to hell, or i mighta offed my self a while ago