ramblings from a self-deprecator

god....
i cant believe i'm about to admit this....but, i miss school....i know it's sad. seriously, though, a week has passed since school was over and i am bored out of my friggin mind. and it's not like i dont go out, cause i do. but theres this nagging feeling....kinda like when you have to hand in a project, and you cant help but feel suffocated. the thing is, with that scenario you know why you feel this way, but i dont know why i feel like this now...not knowing why you feel bad is worse than feeling bad. cause then you keep thinking, that maybe theres something wrong with you, and it just nags you. the only time it goes away is when iam talking to someone...and not just pure jargon, but actual conversation...the other day i called my favorite uncle and cousin and after i got off the phone, i felt...not necessarily better....but more like normal. i dont know if anyone actually gets what iam saying. anyway five minutes afterwards the euphoria i was experiencing wore off and i was sucked back into that dark abyss of depression. its not like i havent felt this way before. one time it happened at school, the teacher asked me to read and halfway through the text, i started crying, not bawling, just tears and my voice cracked. everyone thought it was because one of my friends had left to go to another school the day before. but it wasnt. if theres one thing i hate, its letting people see me cry, it takes away from my "i dont give a rats ass" image. so afterwards i got home, and i was still feeling shitty, so i sat down next to my dad on the couch, and he put his arm on my shoulders....i started crying again just because he was being so nice to me, he didnt even ask me whats wrong, just let me cry....the thing is i think my mom thinks im losing my mind. she keeps asking me all these questions and i dont know how to answer her. she doesnt believe in the whole "depression" thing, so she got mad at me when i asked her why my cousin got vicoden....it was really tempting, not to steal one....but im not like that...thats another thing i hate about my self...i am all talk...god iam such a freakin loser, just the other day i was telling my friend how i cant do anything right, including having an eating disorder. ive tried the whole anorexic thing, and it works, but as soon as someone convinces me to "take a bite" of something, all my control is gone, and i end up eating the whole damn thing. then i tried the whole bulemic thing, well that was a disaster, i must have a throat of steel, cause no matter how far i stick my finger, or toothbrush, down my throat all, i do i dry heave..............god im a loser. i really dont get why i have friends, i am not funny, iam not pretty, i dont have a great, or even okay personality, i am not very nice, i am sarcastic about everything, i have nothing t0 offer....i am not even super smart so its not like i can do their math homework for them.....whatever.
god...please help me
thank god im too scared to go to hell, or i mighta offed my self a while ago

"every man can now have his own island"

i really need to meet a wider variety of people...how come everyone else has connections?? i mean unless you know someone, hiring a hitman is pretty much impossible, and right now thats what i freakin need..i am so sick and tired of all the yelling and shouting and arguing in my house...all those only kids out there who complain out being lonely have no idea how lucky they are and all those couples who want to get pregnant and cant have no idea how lucky they are. PEOPLE YOU CAN HAVE SEX WITHOUT REPRODUCING. believe me youll all save your selves a lot of trouble and heartbreak. better yet...lets not make anyties at all...

ive had time to think about this and ive devised a plan.. using the worlds vast amounts of weapons WE CAN HAVE PEACE. basically we devide each continent into little squares and everyone lives by themselves..dont even bother with human companionship, each mini island will be equiped with one palm tree(including fruit) and ofcourse in case you really get bored a freakin talkin gorilla...if it worked for brenden frasier in george of the jungle why shouldnt it work for us...its really not worth "loving someone/family/anyother asshole you know" everything eventually ends up in the crapper...so lets not waste time..

okay people everyone pick an square area about 8'by8' and draw a square around it...anyone who doesnt get a square will just have to swim for as long as they can...and if you cant swim (me) then tough luck.....good thing ive already got my island

'bout me

interests: huh...hanging upside down from trees for hours on end...i am part sloth from my dads side of the family

favorite movies: Fight club, Dead guy on campus, its funny how u always have this list in ur head but once you actually need to write it down you forget everything

music: Rock, punk, anything not avril lavigne related...she makes we wanna hurl...and i cant stand happy music...it makes me so f-ing mad

books: i miss the days when i could actually go to a library and check out books...now i constantly have to go to jarir and buy them..what the hell??? maybe this is part of the reason the country's so freaking illiterate

can you all tell im really bored...ive got finals and i should study but hey its finally the weekend...
im so sick of being so stressed out that i cant eat i went down 2 kilos and normally id be extatic....(okay i am) but ive been really dizzy and my vision keeps blurring so that cant be good.... but this is how i reason it out...i know for sure that my grade point average is gonna go down, so isnt it better to be a skinny dumb person than an overweight retard....i mean id rather be a loser in only one aspect of my life... course i told my little philosiphy to my friends and got this huge lecture...so to all you out there who actually know me: good news i actually ate a slice and a half of pizza today....yay
make sure to check out this freak....also know as "em" from above
http://ramblings-of-a-genius.blogspot.com/

CAN U SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN??????????????????????

i mailed this to one of my friends and she actually had the audacity to post it...so i figure since its originally mine anyway i should post it as well...enjoy...or not...i dont actually care..

dear em,

this is a letter that i wrote to (friend who i will call cinnamon) like a month ago and since we never start new emails (just keep replying) i saw it and wanted you to read it. can u feel the hate? i wa in such a bad mood...i think its kind of funny, now that i think about it...cant wait till schools over....we have to have a party and invite the class...or atleast hang out...i feel like a freaking hermit...maybe i shoud stop shaving my face and let my beard grow so ill look the part (THATS A JOKE!!! JUST INCASE YOU COULDNT TELL AND DECIDED TO TELL ANYONE!!!) feed back is always appreciated...since your avoideing my calls and all...i figure the least you can do is answer my emails...oh wait i just remebered ur going to england and leaving me....fine....ill have my own party...but seriously read this, i soud like i am a mean drunk....
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!



cinnamon,
have you ever felt so FUCKING PISSED OFF that you wanted to grab the person bothering you and start BASHING THEIR FUCKING HEAD INTO THE WALL UNTIL IT SHATTERS AND THEIR BRAIN MATTER AND BLOOD COVERS EVERYTHING AROUND YOU INCLUDING YOU, AND ITS DISGUISTING BUT UR FINALLY FUCKING SATISFIED BECAUSE THEY NO LONGER EXIST.....oh kay....now breathe....i havent completely lost it so dont worry...said person is my FUCKING brother...(i know too much f-word usage) but seriously hes being the biggest ass and he just wont shut the hell up and he throws things at me all the time...writing it down makes it seem so trivial ...but if youve ever had someone piss you off so much then u know what i mean....just because hes taking his IGCSE's this year he has turned into the biggest fucking bastard...he thinks hes so smart and he keeps calling me a retard and making stupid remarks about how i am a retard cause i am taking the SAT...well if the british are so FUCKING SMART WHY THE FUCK CANT THEY TAKE CARE OF THEIR TEETH HUH????TELL ME COME ONE!!!! everyone here has this misconception that the british schooling system is sooooooooooo much harder......and so all the teachers think that the students who chose to go into the british program rather than the american program are gods gift to mankind...and believe me it goes to their head....did u know that in the boys section aziz's class just goes to the priniciple and make demands and they get what they fucking want??? what the hell....our english teacher took the IG and A-levels and she knows that their both the same...but no!!!!!!!!! i am concidered the stupid one....I CANT WAIT TILL WE GO INTO THE DESERT AGAIN....I LL START THE CAR WAIT TILL HES INFRONT OF ME AND FUCKING DRIVE OVER HIM...i really used to like him...i loved hanging out with him...but now hes has turned into the biggest most concieted furcker i have ever had the misfortune of meeting...even worse than zach hagart was (from elementary...what ever happend to him....is he still voted most likely to be a model...cause i personally think hes got the face of a baboons ass....Now, Jason Mars....that guy was hot............where did that come from??????????l..........well he did have that locker next to me all of 9th grade...and yes i do realize i am talking to my self...)
any way, were going to my aunts house tonight...so yay (total sarcasm) not that i dont like going over but i dont like the process of getting ready....i used to wieght 72 kilos last year and in america and i didnt give a damn.........now i weigh 58 kilos and i absolutely hate my self.. i cant get dressed with out getting all depressed about how horrible i look ....mom says ive got an image probelem and that i have no confidence and that she wants to send me to a shrink....ummmmm i wonder why i have no confidence...maybe its because my entire fucking life her and dad have been calling me fat and making me feel bad about my self.....ignorance really is bliss....i was so much better off emotionally when i didnt give a damn how i looked......
why am i telling you my life story.....i cant wait till the SAT and final exams are over...the whole class has decided we need a party....i need to go a little crazy....but dont worry nothing too serious i mean its not like theres alcohol (haram) or drugs (unfortunetly) and its just girls so that basically means just dancing like crazy....huh last year i would have rather died than danced in front of people....ive really changed...ok so ive written alot
hope aunt flo didnt bring uncle oscar...that was lame....i meant cramps....cause i get them really bad now....yeah....wahtever
love
anamil
forward all future emails to the saudi womens correctional facility where i will probably be after commiting homicide....whats the diffrence between homicide and murder anyway?????
ciao



and yes the rest of the names in this email are of real people...if they hadnt made my life miserable i would have changed it....so to all the zach hagarts out there.... i hope some psycho reads this and tries to find you....now that would make my day

oh and all you brits out there....dont take it too personally...i mean the whole teeth thing is true..but hey....at least youve got james blunt and jack the ripper
laters

GOD...I REALLY NEED TO RELAX

okay so concidering that this is my first blog i probably shouldnt anger people...but what the hell its in my nature...so i was looking for other bloggers from Saudi Arbia and i found this guy: name: (not gonna tell you)

Interests: I try to be moderate man whose reasoning is not clouded by the ideological delusions common to the people who gravitate to extremes. Still, I nevertheless mourn the decay of humanist illusions about the triumph of man's inability to communicate and negotiate with rapid posits and response. As the vision of the 21st century blurs we find ourselves further and further from universal solidarity and progress. Extremist are rendering our ideals to dust in the world that had its chance but blew it.This blog is my message of hope in a bottle amid the floating in a tempest sea. It is naïve.

okay...WHATEVER.... i dont even know this guy and he sounds like hes got his head up his ass...i mean im not saying that everything he said is wrong but does he have to be so Freaking happy with all his big words and fancy allusions...hey if uve got something to tell people, try to dum it down a bit, i know its a dissapointement but seriously people dont get anything unless it relates to sex or "tings of zat nature" (i just realized its hard to make fun of Arnold Schwasenager on line...whatever) back to my point... if u want people to listen to u then dont sugarcoat the topic just f-ing say it...huh...

here, i fixed it for you...wheverever you may be...now maybe people will actually read it and you can make a change in the world...PEACE OUT BROTHER (*eye roll*)

Interests: I try to be SEX moderate man whose reasoning is not clouded by the ideological delusions common to the people who SEX gravitate to extremes. Still, I nevertheless ASS mourn the decay of humanist illusions about the triumph of man's SEX inability to communicate and negotiate BRAD PITT with rapid posits and response. As the vision of the 21st century PENIS blurs we find ourselves further and further from BOOBS universal solidarity and progress. Extremist are rendering our ANGELINA JOLIE ideals to dust in the world that had its chance but blew it.This blog is my message of hope in a bottle amid the floating in a tempest sea. It is naïve. OLSON TWINS

no one can change anything....thats the way it is life will stay shitty and the world will keep turning until the sun comes up from the west and Allah throws us all int the firey pits of hell for being horrible human beings (im talking about my self too)


i hope whoever "he" is never reads my blog or he might "BIGWORD"me to death