lists

Song: Three days grace_Animal i have become...this song is so me right now

Now onto the reasons i am now even more depressed:
- Ever since summer started and my aunt came to stay with us (she's gone now) my weight has increased. Once my aunt left, I started dieting and running on the treadmill and went back to my weight of 58 kilos.
- I became obsessed with running (no I don't like it) and started running/walking around 4-6 miles a day. My weight went down to 56 kilos. Unlike last time I was this weight I was not dehydrated but in perfect health, and I only got dizzy if I stood up too fast.
- So...i wanted to be even skinnier and i was eating less, one day my dad brought home shawermas (Arab sandwich thingies) and i said "i am not hungry" and he totally went off and started saying "there no point in being skinny if i was going to make my self sick and that i would end up like one of my aunts, who if you blew too hard would fall down...blah, blah"

Reasons I got pissed off:
1. He was right, I had no more energy. I could barely do anything without losing breath
2. He is part of the reason I hate my self...my dad isn't a mean person; he just doesn't realize that the things he says to me really strike a nerve. Example: every time he sits next to me he'll pat me on the back and call me his "investment" and not like "oh my smart daughter who will grow up to be successful" but more like "the big thing that's eating all my money in the form of food"

Sure he means it as a joke, but is it funny? NO

3. he's never satisfied. When I was overweight I wasn't good enough, and I m not good enough now, and never will be.
4. I stopped losing weigh infect every time I get on the scale it seems i am fatter and i told my mom and she told me its muscle and i don't want muscle! I want the freaking scale to say 48 kilos. Besides i don't see where this muscle is building up, I don't seem any fatter but the scale assures me that it is so.
5. i realized that i am a freak. You know how you hear those stories about people who lose weight and suddenly everybody realizes their beautiful? Yeah. That's not me. I realized that no matter how skinny i get i will never be beautiful.

Reasons i am a freak:
1 i am uneven...literally
a. my waist is more prominent on my right side than my left...seriously i showed my mom and she agreed. She says it must be because i used that exercise wheel thingy for the waist and twisted more to the right than left and so the muscles on my right side are more pulled.
b. one of my ears seems higher than the other
c. i think one eye is bigger than the other
2. I will never be a size 2 or even a 6, because i have football player's shoulders
3. I am short only 5'3.5"
4. ...
I swear i was sitting in the car this morning and i had a huge list...i need to start carrying a tape recorded, oh there's another one
4. Horrid memory, i think i subconsially forget on purpose cuz i hate expressing my self
5. I talk to my self in my head all the time
a. i talk to "other people" in my head all the time---no i am no schizophrenic, i meant i make up conversations between my self and people i know.
6. I am afraid to be happy, because...you know when you're on a sugar high and then you crash? That's what it's like....being happy is nice while is lasts but then there's the crash.

Hate

Song: lostprophets_Rooftops....i felt like i was dying inside

It has been such a long time since i last wrote, and i am sad to say that absolutely NOTHING has changed. In about a week my parents are going to go to Poland cuz my dad is attending a conference, and my siblings and i will be shipped off to Makkah were we will spend our time in an all day sauna (my grandmother's house). I am not looking forward to this at all, i have absolutely nothing in common with my father's side of the family...their all a bunch of nutters, well at least the women are. I don't know what i did to offend them because they really seem to dislike me, not that i care, i used to, but i am over it now. I don't know why but i have become really mean lately. Meaner than usual, anyway. i don't like feeling like this, i want to be nice to people, i WANT to believe that the world doesn't actually suck and that we can all get along....

I've never really truly hated anyone, and by that i mean a race or a group of people, so it surprised me when just the other day i was online and i clicked on this article (something like: earth is another planets hell) it was all about israel/palestine/lebanon. I just read the comments people wrote and for the first time it struck me how much people hate us (Arabs Muslims)

I mean obviously when it comes to issues like Palestine and the war in Lebanon i am on the Arabs side of the debate, but never in my entire life have i said or even felt intense hatred towards the Israelis or Jews. Anyway some of the comments people posted were so cruel. I've never read anything so mean and hateful toward my race, and i wanted to cry just reading them.

As much as i complain about my life and as depressed as i am, i have to thank god for shielding me from this intense hatred. When 9/11 happened we were living in Ames, Iowa and although we would get looks no one ever went so far as to physically harass us. However we had friends in Ohio, who were being publicly ridiculed in Ohio. i never realized how lucky we were to be away from that.

I mean i am cynical now, imagine what i would have been like had i lived through that.

Okay i really went on a huge tangent. I never meant to write about all that, but it was bothering me all week.