Weltschmerz: sorrow that one feels and accepts as one's necessary portion in life; sentimental pessimism.

It’s been a long time since I’ve written something down. Actually that's not completely true, I did attempt to keep a journal on my iPad during the past year. For someone who is constantly speaking to herself, surprisingly; I have always found it hard to express myself in written form. It’s not that I don’t know what I want to say, I just can never seem to articulate it. But, having just read Fadiosis's post on the fourth week in family medicine, I was inspired to vent for my own.

First, thank you Fadia-with-an-H for bringing to my attention that final exams are next week. I've been living in haze since the start of the new school year. I got through my midterm by pure chance, but I don’t think I’ll be so lucky when finals come. Here's something I noticed I do EXCPETIONALLY well, I tend to worry and obsess over things but NEVER do something about whatever it is I’m worrying/obsessing about. I mean, come on! I just found out finals are in the next week or so. A normal person would pick up a book, take some notes, freak-out WHILE trying to prepare. Instead, I sit here thinking over and over again 'Oh my god, finals, finals, finals' and worse than that 'Oh my god, real life is approaching at an insane speed, how am I going to help people if I’m still this stupid and useless?!' and still I do nothing to CHANGE the possible outcome of these events.

So, how has family medicine been going? Well, never has a subject made me feel so inadequate as a future health care provider. It's not the clinical aspect that’s bothering me (although I can’t pretend that’s all strawberries and peaches), but the stress placed on the relationship between doctor and patient. This has made me realize my shortcomings as a human being (again). It’s always been hard for me to connect with others, and now I’m expected to be able empathize with everyone?! Sorry to say that's next to impossible for me. I don’t consider myself a psychopath (should I undergo a DT-MRI I’m am semi-sure my uncinate fasciculus will be perfectly composed) it's just that I can barely sympathize with anyone let alone feel their pain as my own (in fact I’m rolling my eyes as I type these words out LAME). Whatever, I’ll just have to learn to fake compassion. That should be easy enough as my lying skills are up to par.

In my mind how I should be and how the world should be are two vastly different things when compared with reality. To change it up from the norm I’ve decided I’m not just suffering from an acute case of boring ol’medical student depression. Instead, I’ve found a much more romantic autonym for my condition; Weltschmerz: a mental depression or apathy caused by comparison of an actual state of the world with an ideal state.

Just so i dont have to study...avoiding responsibility, yeah, im gonna make a great doc someday.

wow.
so i dont know how long it's actually been since ive written anything in my blog. but i have written some "journal" entries...if they can be called that...that are just as emo as my old stuff.
seems i havnt changed much. thats depressing.
actually thats not true. i do think ive changed a bit. i mean, moving to a diffrent city and living by yourself while attending medical school has got to make a person change in some ways, right? i guess having emo relapses is just a part of who i am. this was a really bad week for me. for somereason im having a lot of those lately. i cant seem to get excited about anything. life just seems so BLAH lately. oh, one incident that happended to me this week and had me cringing:
place: anatomy lab, with dr. mervat
state is was in: pain, late period pain (which explains why i was sitting down and leaning against the board next to where dr. mervat was talking.
anyway, so it's already been established that dr. mervat only memorizes the names of DAWAFEER (according to the rest of the girls) students. so yeah, she knows my name. anyway, so she asks the whole class as she's writing on the board, the blah blah aretery blah blah and continues as..>? me and another girl (who i swear mashallah is SO much more smarter and more of a rounded person figurativly not literally than i am) answers. the doc asks again so i answered again. all of a sudden out of no where, she turns to me and says "by the way asabi3, how much did you happen to get on the anatomy final? (grades had come out just last week and i had gotten a 96% which i was mildly disappointed with , but accepted due to the fact that a lot of people failed. so you see, i knew their were failed marks but i didnt know what was considered a good mark for a DAFOORA.) next thing i know 30 heads or so all turn to look at me questioningly. now if theres one thing i cnat stand it's being stared at. my face promptly turned into a approx 23 cm in circumfrence tomato (at least i think thats how big my head is) as i stared at her in shock i went over my options in my head.
1. tell her and have everyone know my grades
2. tell her and have her look at me in suprises that my mark wasnt all that great
3. tell her and have her praise me infront of the whole class >> making me look like a pompus ass
4. not tell her and look like i was afraid of 7asad
5. not tell her and look like i got a bad grade and was too ashamed
6. just sit there and pertend i didnt hear her
i chose option 6
unfortunately she turned to look at me at that very moment (i was busy looking at her so i could avoid looking at eh whole class who were staring at me avidly)
so i said "do i have to say?"
reasons i dint want to say
1. i promised my mom i wouldnt go around announcing my grades
2. why should everyone know my grades when i dont know everyone elses
3. should i sound happy about my grade? and if i dont how much of an ass would i look like?
luckily she replied "no, you dont" so i said nothing....but i guess she meant for me to say something becuz she then asked hesitantly..."well, ...was it good?"
as dorky as this sounds i couldnt let her down as she's one of my favorite drs. so i said 7amdullelah yeah, its good.
so now i ended up making it seem like i was afraid of 7asad.
five min later i turn to my friend standing behind me and inquire as to the nature of the color of my face...
still red as a tomato
i dont know how i plan on being a competant dr when i freak out so easily.



i need to stop wasting my time. ive got a continuous assessment 2 for the MSS on saturday and its 1;47 now, i shoud either study or go to sleep.
but i felt like i would want to remember what happened in the future, so i wrote it down...badly....im prolly not gonna understand anything i said.
oh well

sound track to a headrush

great album, matches all my moods.
anyway
midterms again
i swear my life is nothing but exams and quizes...and for what? a future that i dont even look forward to? God.
i LOVE being a bitch, but i hate when people go around saying that i am one...kinda contradictory i know.
heres how it works. i like being a bitch and not feeling like i have to hold back and be polite to everyone especially people who piss me off (thats practically everyone except for about 12 people) but it makes me really depressed when i find out that people i dont know think that im a complete asshole
i dont know why i care...most days i dont, but forsome reason it really bothered me this week when duaa told me that everyone thinks i am being an unfair bitch to aicha...
maybe if aicha stopped being a dick i wouldnt have to be.
oh yeah, and everyone thinks that i am acting this way towards her because im still jelous of the fact that she won the elections and i didnt....as if i would care about something that lame for such a long period of time!
we played basketball today
i LOVE playing basketball when its with people im comfortable enough around to act myself.
in order to enjoythe game there are certain conditions
1. duaa and i must be on the same team(other wise i get waaaaaaaaaay to competitive and that might result in me biting her again)
2. i have to be on the team opposite nouran (she a good friend but my god what a ball hog. plus i enjoy the challenge)
3. i have to be on the same team as alia. the first and last time i wasnt i became very aware of how TALL she is. plus its just good for our friendship if we dont compete (believe me)

ofcourse just because i play basketball doesnt mean im good, i simply enjoy running around and screaming my head off at people ....ahhhh good good times

its 10 oclock i shoud go to bed.
i feel really restless though
what to do, what to do....
owwwww i just cracked my neck for the umpteenth time today
other than the usual worry about grades and my future i feel suprisingly okay
al7amdolellah

random topics paragraphs

im in a suprisingly good mood.

i think its cuz i actually had real conversations in school today. ive realized lately, that a lot of my "conversations" are very superficial. its getting on my nerves i hate feeling like a fake. so today, was one of those days when everyone actually wanted to discuss real issues, i love those days.

tommorow, my family and i are going to get on a plance and go see my grandmother, shes been really sick lately and she just got out of an operation.
im not particularly close to my grandmother, so it was a big suprise for me when i realized how scared i was on the day of her operation. in the middle of the school day, i suddenly felt as though i was dying. i was beyond scared, and its not just the idea of losing my grandmother that scared me, its also the idea of losing my dad. i love him so much, i cant imagine how he'll react to somthing like that. anyway, the whole day i kept thinking of the worst scenerios, and by the end of the school day i was on the verge of crying and throwing up. i called my dad who was with my grandma in Jeddah, to ask him how the operation went and i couldnt even talk because my voice kept cracking.

despite all of that, thank god.
this proves that im not some selfish-selfabsorbed-nonfeeling-dead on the inside-bitch. when my maternal grandmother died (allahyer7amha) i only cried once, when my mother told me (and that was because my mom was crying) i cried more later, about the fact that i DID'NT cry for my grandmother. everytime i think about the way i felt when my mom told me i feel ashamed. it wasnt like i didnt care at all, it was more like "oh well, thats too bad..." i hate myself for not feeling anything else cuz my grandmother loved me sooo much. but i guess i cant change that now.

on a happier note, my bestfriend alia is getting married this summer and obviously this means engagement parties, gifts and dresses. soooo, turns out dresses here cost about 1000+ riyal (if you dont want to look like an idiot in some rinky dink dress) i guess thats not a happier note...well for her it is.

oh yeah, i died my hair eggplant purple, the sucky thing is the dye is organic so it doesnt "stick" to hair and every time i shower i get purple foam all over the tub.

about a two weeks ago, i told my dad that i wanted to catch a LIVE coackroache for bio class...i didnt actually think this would happen. so that same night, my mom screams and my dad runs into the library/office to find a coackroache, long story short we caught it and i named him Frederick. i took him to school and fed him sugar cubes and my class and i made him class mascot.....then.....Frederick died! and i blame it all on yara! i told her to clean out the jar he was in (i sure as hell wouldnt) anyway she knocked him out of the jar and into the sink, cleaned out the jar and put him back in....with about an INCH of water! so i started yelling at her that he was gonna freaking drown and she kept saying "but 7aram, he needs to drink!" finally she spilled the water out...but it was too late, poor freddys body had absorbed too much water. over the next two days he became increasingly sluggish and eventually died....our class mourned for weeks. oh yeah, and we havnt buried him or thrown him away, his jar is still in the windowsill...we're actually waiting for him to decompose....

i should probably do my damn hw now...great

birth of a catastrophe: ME

i deleted my nov 8 blog....
mainly because my friends know my blog site....
its easier to write things and talk to complete strangers than it is to express yourself to the people you love.
i dont want people to know how fucked up i really am
i think it would scare them
plus...what do i have thats so bad in my life? i dont know...but it still feels bad
midterms are about to start.
this is my last year of highschool. this should be a great year. so far all i feel like doing is killing myself. i hate this year, i dont know what i m gonna do with the rest of mylife i feel so lost.
what do i want to do with the rest of mylife? even if i decide...does anyone actually want me? im so scared of not being good enough. i think its part of the reason why im so obsessed with my weight. i need to have control of atleast one aspect of my life.
one of the things i had written about and deleted was my fear of being alone. but the thing is...when im with people im terrified of letting them down. i dont know what im supposed to feel. i need others but im also scared of them.
when ever i hear the phone ring and its for me, my heart starts pounding like crazy and i dread talking to whoever it is. as soon as i do though....i guess...i feel better? but as soon as i hang up that feeling of dread comes back again. i wish i wasnt all talk. that i didnt have morals...i want to make this feeling go away, even if its with drugs...but...i know that im the type of person who refuses to do something because i think its wrong, howver if i do it once, the dam is broken and ill do it over and over again.
does that even make sense?
whatever
i was reading about all these diseases like anorexia and bulimia and there was one for body image, and i had a lot of the indications that were listed. but, in my head (even though i know that what i do is wrong) i keep makeing up excuses to myself about how im not "like that" and....well never mind i dont know what else
thats it for now

lists

Song: Three days grace_Animal i have become...this song is so me right now

Now onto the reasons i am now even more depressed:
- Ever since summer started and my aunt came to stay with us (she's gone now) my weight has increased. Once my aunt left, I started dieting and running on the treadmill and went back to my weight of 58 kilos.
- I became obsessed with running (no I don't like it) and started running/walking around 4-6 miles a day. My weight went down to 56 kilos. Unlike last time I was this weight I was not dehydrated but in perfect health, and I only got dizzy if I stood up too fast.
- So...i wanted to be even skinnier and i was eating less, one day my dad brought home shawermas (Arab sandwich thingies) and i said "i am not hungry" and he totally went off and started saying "there no point in being skinny if i was going to make my self sick and that i would end up like one of my aunts, who if you blew too hard would fall down...blah, blah"

Reasons I got pissed off:
1. He was right, I had no more energy. I could barely do anything without losing breath
2. He is part of the reason I hate my self...my dad isn't a mean person; he just doesn't realize that the things he says to me really strike a nerve. Example: every time he sits next to me he'll pat me on the back and call me his "investment" and not like "oh my smart daughter who will grow up to be successful" but more like "the big thing that's eating all my money in the form of food"

Sure he means it as a joke, but is it funny? NO

3. he's never satisfied. When I was overweight I wasn't good enough, and I m not good enough now, and never will be.
4. I stopped losing weigh infect every time I get on the scale it seems i am fatter and i told my mom and she told me its muscle and i don't want muscle! I want the freaking scale to say 48 kilos. Besides i don't see where this muscle is building up, I don't seem any fatter but the scale assures me that it is so.
5. i realized that i am a freak. You know how you hear those stories about people who lose weight and suddenly everybody realizes their beautiful? Yeah. That's not me. I realized that no matter how skinny i get i will never be beautiful.

Reasons i am a freak:
1 i am uneven...literally
a. my waist is more prominent on my right side than my left...seriously i showed my mom and she agreed. She says it must be because i used that exercise wheel thingy for the waist and twisted more to the right than left and so the muscles on my right side are more pulled.
b. one of my ears seems higher than the other
c. i think one eye is bigger than the other
2. I will never be a size 2 or even a 6, because i have football player's shoulders
3. I am short only 5'3.5"
4. ...
I swear i was sitting in the car this morning and i had a huge list...i need to start carrying a tape recorded, oh there's another one
4. Horrid memory, i think i subconsially forget on purpose cuz i hate expressing my self
5. I talk to my self in my head all the time
a. i talk to "other people" in my head all the time---no i am no schizophrenic, i meant i make up conversations between my self and people i know.
6. I am afraid to be happy, because...you know when you're on a sugar high and then you crash? That's what it's like....being happy is nice while is lasts but then there's the crash.

Hate

Song: lostprophets_Rooftops....i felt like i was dying inside

It has been such a long time since i last wrote, and i am sad to say that absolutely NOTHING has changed. In about a week my parents are going to go to Poland cuz my dad is attending a conference, and my siblings and i will be shipped off to Makkah were we will spend our time in an all day sauna (my grandmother's house). I am not looking forward to this at all, i have absolutely nothing in common with my father's side of the family...their all a bunch of nutters, well at least the women are. I don't know what i did to offend them because they really seem to dislike me, not that i care, i used to, but i am over it now. I don't know why but i have become really mean lately. Meaner than usual, anyway. i don't like feeling like this, i want to be nice to people, i WANT to believe that the world doesn't actually suck and that we can all get along....

I've never really truly hated anyone, and by that i mean a race or a group of people, so it surprised me when just the other day i was online and i clicked on this article (something like: earth is another planets hell) it was all about israel/palestine/lebanon. I just read the comments people wrote and for the first time it struck me how much people hate us (Arabs Muslims)

I mean obviously when it comes to issues like Palestine and the war in Lebanon i am on the Arabs side of the debate, but never in my entire life have i said or even felt intense hatred towards the Israelis or Jews. Anyway some of the comments people posted were so cruel. I've never read anything so mean and hateful toward my race, and i wanted to cry just reading them.

As much as i complain about my life and as depressed as i am, i have to thank god for shielding me from this intense hatred. When 9/11 happened we were living in Ames, Iowa and although we would get looks no one ever went so far as to physically harass us. However we had friends in Ohio, who were being publicly ridiculed in Ohio. i never realized how lucky we were to be away from that.

I mean i am cynical now, imagine what i would have been like had i lived through that.

Okay i really went on a huge tangent. I never meant to write about all that, but it was bothering me all week.

ramblings from a self-deprecator

god....
i cant believe i'm about to admit this....but, i miss school....i know it's sad. seriously, though, a week has passed since school was over and i am bored out of my friggin mind. and it's not like i dont go out, cause i do. but theres this nagging feeling....kinda like when you have to hand in a project, and you cant help but feel suffocated. the thing is, with that scenario you know why you feel this way, but i dont know why i feel like this now...not knowing why you feel bad is worse than feeling bad. cause then you keep thinking, that maybe theres something wrong with you, and it just nags you. the only time it goes away is when iam talking to someone...and not just pure jargon, but actual conversation...the other day i called my favorite uncle and cousin and after i got off the phone, i felt...not necessarily better....but more like normal. i dont know if anyone actually gets what iam saying. anyway five minutes afterwards the euphoria i was experiencing wore off and i was sucked back into that dark abyss of depression. its not like i havent felt this way before. one time it happened at school, the teacher asked me to read and halfway through the text, i started crying, not bawling, just tears and my voice cracked. everyone thought it was because one of my friends had left to go to another school the day before. but it wasnt. if theres one thing i hate, its letting people see me cry, it takes away from my "i dont give a rats ass" image. so afterwards i got home, and i was still feeling shitty, so i sat down next to my dad on the couch, and he put his arm on my shoulders....i started crying again just because he was being so nice to me, he didnt even ask me whats wrong, just let me cry....the thing is i think my mom thinks im losing my mind. she keeps asking me all these questions and i dont know how to answer her. she doesnt believe in the whole "depression" thing, so she got mad at me when i asked her why my cousin got vicoden....it was really tempting, not to steal one....but im not like that...thats another thing i hate about my self...i am all talk...god iam such a freakin loser, just the other day i was telling my friend how i cant do anything right, including having an eating disorder. ive tried the whole anorexic thing, and it works, but as soon as someone convinces me to "take a bite" of something, all my control is gone, and i end up eating the whole damn thing. then i tried the whole bulemic thing, well that was a disaster, i must have a throat of steel, cause no matter how far i stick my finger, or toothbrush, down my throat all, i do i dry heave..............god im a loser. i really dont get why i have friends, i am not funny, iam not pretty, i dont have a great, or even okay personality, i am not very nice, i am sarcastic about everything, i have nothing t0 offer....i am not even super smart so its not like i can do their math homework for them.....whatever.
god...please help me
thank god im too scared to go to hell, or i mighta offed my self a while ago